i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
