I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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