According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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