I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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