I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
