we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
