I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
