i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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