If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
