good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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