I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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