My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
