I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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