Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I need mimosas to revive my soul
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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