I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
