Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize