I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
