May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
