new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
