like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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