My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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