i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
