just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
