im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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