every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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