Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
