I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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