she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
