i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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