He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
