she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Boobs are out for the taking
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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