I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
