I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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