Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
