if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
ttyl tear gas
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
