Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
