The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
