**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
