I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
me + whiskey = a bad person
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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