Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
