it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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