I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
