Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
