Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
