ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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