she takes plan B like it's going out of style
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
