im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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