I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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