Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
