i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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