She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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