ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
