the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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