so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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