There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
