fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
