I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
