i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
