the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
