his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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