I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
