i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
she looked like the before picture.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
